What We Are Secretly Hungry For…
I was having coffee in the cafeteria when Jane, one of our interns, walked in. She was smiling. Actually, she was doing that slightly embarrassed kind of smiling where you can tell something has happened but you're not quite sure what. So naturally, I looked inquisitive. “Bob,” she said, “my boyfriend gave me a huge compliment.” She was thrilled. Not informed. Not impressed. Thrilled. That’s when it hit me. What exactly is a compliment? Why can a few carefully chosen words affect us so much? Is it validation? Appreciation? Feeling noticed? Feeling loved? Or perhaps something even more basic: The wonderful feeling that someone else has seen something in us that we sometimes fail to see in ourselves. Which brings me to something I hadn't thought about before. Not every compliment is really a compliment. You look great. Nice. You're the best. Lovely. You're so talented. Wonderful. But there is another kind. That says: I noticed you. “I noticed how patient you were with your mother.” “I noticed that you remembered my birthday.” “I noticed how you made everyone laugh when things got awkward.” “I noticed that you kept going when things were difficult.” Those compliments land differently. Because you’re not complimenting someone’s appearance, achievement, or status. You're telling them: I have been paying attention. Paying attention might just be one of the quietest forms of love. That is why the best compliments aren't necessarily the biggest ones. They're the most specific, they don't simply say, “You're wonderful”, they tell someone why. And strangely enough, we may be much stingier with these compliments than we realize. Perhaps because compliments feel a little vulnerable. To compliment someone sincerely is to reveal that you have been watching them closely enough to notice something worth saying. And perhaps we worry about sounding silly, or sentimental, or flattering. So we keep the thought in our heads. ‘Your daughter has become such a kind person.’ ‘My friend is remarkably good at making people feel welcome.’ ‘My father has taught me more than he knows.’ 'My intern handled that difficult situation beautifully.' We think it. And then... nothing. The thought remains inside us. Which seems like a terrible waste of a perfectly good thought. So perhaps today, be the one who gives it. Just notice someone who makes your life a little easier, who has been patient with you. Or someone whose particular way of being in the world you quietly admire. It could also be someone you have never properly thanked. And if the thought becomes a sentence, perhaps let the sentence escape. No occasion required. Just: “I've been meaning to tell you this...” Sometimes, a few words can become a memory someone carries for years. And the beautiful thing? It costs absolutely nothing. Except noticing. Who is the person you would love to get a compliment from and what is the one thing you wish they would notice about you? Until Tomorrow, Bob.
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