The Secret Language of Married Couples
At a family dinner recently, I noticed something that made me smile. There was an uncle and aunt who had known each other since childhood and had eventually married. Nothing particularly unusual there. Except that, during dinner, they seemed to be having an entire conversation without actually saying very much. A raised eyebrows with a quick glance across the table, then a tiny smile A look that seemed to say, “Did you just hear that?” Another, that seemed to answer, “Yes. And we are definitely going to talk about it later.” At one point, one of them made a face. The other immediately understood. I found myself watching them more than the conversation around the table. It was hilarious, and rather wonderful. They appeared to have developed a secret language that nobody else had been invited to learn. You may have seen this before, or done it yourself. The language that grows with two people Intimacy is about knowing everything about another person. A particular look or raised eyebrows only your partner gives, when either they’re amused, or they can’t believe something. The smile that means, “I'm pretending to agree with you, but we both know I'm right.” Squeeze of a hand under the table, or glance across a crowded room. Even they can tell from the other's silence that something isn't quite right. These signals aren't usually taught. They accumulate. A thousand ordinary days teach two people how to read one another. And somewhere along the way, a relationship begins to acquire its own vocabulary. Not words. Signals. Perhaps love has a shorthand Think about it… Two people can spend twenty, thirty years together and still retain a little mischief between them. That may be one of the loveliest things about a long relationship. From outside, the world may see two people who have been married for decades, sitting at a dinner table. The couple maybe experiencing something entirely different, though. It could be a private joke, or a shared secret, or there could be a silent flirtation. A whole history compressed into a glance between them. I guess, this is why some couples seem to have a certain lightness around each other. They haven't stopped noticing each other. They are still playing, teasing, exchanging those little signals that say: I see you. I know you. And, after all these years, I’m still in love with you. Because relationships don't necessarily become less romantic with time. Sometimes the romance simply changes its language. When the private signals become more important, the grand gestures may become less frequent. And then there is flirting. The word flirting can sound almost comical when applied to people who have been together for years. Perhaps we have made the word unnecessarily young. Flirting doesn't have to mean seduction. None of these requires youth or a special occasion. And certainly, it doesn’t require a relationship to be new. We tend to associate flirting with young people, first dates, and butterflies. I mean, maybe flirting is simply another word for continuing to notice someone. Two people can tease each other, hold hands. They may sit a little closer than necessary. Still kiss for no particular reason and make each other feel desirable. And that has no expiration date. This isn't childish, it maybe the opposite. It takes a certain richness of history to create a joke that only two people understand. And there is something rather wonderful about keeping a little mischief alive. And, if the chemistry is still alive, they may also know exactly, which look will make the other suddenly become very interested in what happens after dinner. Tell me honestly, is there someone with whom you have developed your own language? Have a good weekend, Bob.
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