Don’t Look Now… I’m Changing
I was talking to Brad the other day. Brad is an architect. A very successful one. He has designed some beautiful homes, condos and resorts. I asked him what he thought was the secret behind his success. His answer surprised me. “Bob, it’s very simple. I first construct everything in my mind. I work through all the possibilities, the problems, the things that won’t work. Only when I have clarity do I put it on a blueprint and hand it to the contractor.” I kept thinking about that. Because it occurred to me that an architect doesn't begin by handing a contractor a pile of bricks and saying, “Let’s see what happens.” The building exists in the architect’s mind first. The blueprint comes before the construction. Perhaps, in a strange way, so do our relationships. We often think our relationships are shaped by what happens between two people. Conversations, disagreements, forgotten birthdays, words, or a phone call that never came. But before any of these things happen outside us, something is already happening inside us. We have a picture of the person, an idea of what they mean to us, expectations, assumptions, and stories about what happened five years ago. And sometimes, without realizing it, we are responding not to the person standing in front of us… but to the person we have constructed in our minds. That can change everything. Think about someone close to you, someone you love but sometimes find difficult. It could be your parents, children, your spouse or an old friend. Now imagine, just for a moment, that you could erase all the accumulated assumptions, disappointments, expectations and old conversations. And see that person again. Not as the person who disappointed you or who never understands. Nor the person you have known for twenty years. Just as a human being. Someone with fears you may not know about. Dreams you may have forgotten. A need to be understood, and a history you didn’t live. Just as you have one. Would the relationship look different? I suspect many of ours would. Clarity in a relationship doesn't necessarily mean knowing exactly what the other person should do. I guess it begins with knowing what we actually want the relationship to be. Do I want to be right? Or close? Do I want to win the argument? Or preserve the warmth? Do I want this person to change? Or do I want to understand them better? Sometimes the relationship outside us cannot change until the picture inside us changes. Possibly that is why certain relationships feel strangely stuck. We keep trying to change the conversation, when what really needs changing is the blueprint. So today, just bring one person to mind. Someone who matters. And quietly ask yourself: What picture of this person have I been carrying in my mind? Is it still true? Or has the person and maybe even you, changed since that picture was created? Because sometimes the first step towards a better relationship isn't saying something to someone. It's seeing them differently. And once the picture becomes clearer, the next step often becomes surprisingly easy. Until tomorrow, Bob
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