Getting it your way, need not mean the highway
I have a colleague, Greg, who seems to have a remarkable ability to get things to work his way. So, during one of our coffee breaks, I asked him: “Greg, what’s your secret?” He thought for a moment and said something I haven't forgotten. “I never fool anybody.” That got my attention. He explained that he doesn't try to take undue advantage of anyone. He simply tries to get what he wants without hurting the other person. And then he gave me an example. “I personally like pizza,” he said. “But when I go fishing, I put a worm on the hook, not pizza.” I laughed at first, then the more I thought about it, the less funny it seemed. There was something rather profound hiding inside the worm. We often offer people what we want to give them. And wonder why they don't respond. Sincerity doesn’t guarantee understanding. Parents offers advice, yet children are looking to be understood. Manager wants something done quickly, while an employee may first want to know why it matters. Because we are offering them our pizza, maybe what they need is their worm. Think about the last time you wanted something from somebody. Perhaps you wanted your spouse to agree, your child to listen, a colleague to help, or a friend to grasp your point. How did you respond? Did you explain, yet again, why you were right? Or did you pause long enough to ask yourself: “What does this look like from their side?” That small shift can change a relationship. Because understanding someone's point of view doesn't mean surrendering your own, it doesn't mean being manipulative. And it certainly doesn't mean allowing someone to take advantage of you. It means recognizing that the person sitting across from you has a different map of the world, and that reaching them starts with knowing where they stand. The impulse is nearly universal. Every relationship contains two versions of the same moment. What happened to me. And, What happened to you. We naturally know the first one, only the second one requires curiosity. I guess that's why some people seem to make relationships easier. They don't necessarily have better arguments, instead they get better at asking: “What matters to this person?” Once you understand that, sometimes the path forward becomes surprisingly simple. The disagreement with your teenager may have little to do with what you're arguing about. The colleague who keeps resisting may not be difficult, just aware of a risk you haven't noticed. And the friend who hasn't called may not have stopped caring. There may simply be a story happening on their side of the relationship that you cannot see. And sometimes, before trying to change someone's mind, it is worth trying to understand their mind. Greg's worm reminded me of something else. A good relationship isn't necessarily one in which you always get your way. It may be one in which both people can get something that matters to them without either person feeling diminished. That's a very different idea. It turns persuasion into understanding, conflict into curiosity. It makes compromise feel less like losing and more like finding a road that both people can travel. That is why trust grows around people who make an effort to see things from our side. We feel understood. And when people feel understood, they often become much more willing to understand us. So the next time you want something from someone, before reaching for your best argument, you might pause for a moment. Not to think about your pizza. But to wonder: What is the worm for them? You may be surprised by what you discover. Whose side of a story have you been trying to change without first trying to understand? Until tomorrow, Bob
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