Are You Trying to Win or Get Somewhere?
I once had the chance to meet the father of someone I knew. He was an entrepreneur and philanthropist. I asked him a question people often ask successful people: What was the secret to your success? His answer surprised me. “I don’t compete,” he said, “I always seek cooperation.” At first, I thought he meant business competition. He didn't. He was talking about people. He explained that once he became clear about what he wanted to accomplish, competing with the people around him often made very little sense. Why create an unnecessary opponent when you could create an ally? That stayed with me. Because we do this all the time. Your spouse want one thing, and you want something a little different. A colleague pitches an idea, and you’d really like yours to be the one that wins, or a friend remembers an argument differently than you do, and suddenly you're out to prove your version is the right one. And somewhere along the way, without quite noticing it, the relationship becomes a contest. Who is right? Who gets their way? Who gets the last word? Who comes out on top? And perhaps the more interesting question is: What are we actually trying to accomplish? Because if the answer is something we genuinely care about, winning the argument may have very little to do with achieving it. Imagine a husband who wants his wife to understand why something matters to him. He can try to win the argument. Or he can try to understand what matters to her, find the point they share, and build from there. The second approach may require more patience. But it has one enormous advantage: He has turned an opponent into a partner. This isn't about being agreeable all the time. Cooperation doesn't mean giving up what matters to you. It simply means being clear enough about what matters, that your ego doesn't get to choose the strategy. Picture two people trying to move a heavy table, they can stand on opposite sides and push against each other, or they can stand on the same side and push together. The table doesn't care who wins. It just needs to move. Relationships are often like that. We can spend enormous energy proving that we are right, being the stronger one, having the better idea, getting the last word. And all the while, the thing we actually wanted is sitting quietly in the background. Peace. Understanding. A better marriage. Stronger friendship. Healthier family. A successful project. A child who feels heard. Parent who feels respected. Sometimes the greatest obstacle to getting there isn't the other person. It's our need to beat them. There is something else worth noticing. People cooperate more readily with someone who makes them feel that their interests matter too. I guess that is why some of the most effective people aren't necessarily the loudest, smartest or most forceful people in the room. They are the people who can make others feel: We're on the same side. Isn't that one of the great privileges of a relationship? Not that two people always think alike. They can want something together, even when they see the world differently. So perhaps today, think about one relationship in your life where there has been a little too much scorekeeping. Who is right? Who started it? Who owes whom an apology? Who should make the first move? And then quietly ask yourself what you actually want from that relationship. You may discover something interesting. The person you have been trying to defeat may be the very person you need beside you. So, I ask you, who in your life could you turn from someone you're competing with into someone on your team? Until tomorrow, Bob
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