Who Bells the Cat?
I recently met an HR consultant who told me something that made me look at everyday life a little differently. He asked me: “Bob, do you know how to tell the difference between someone who is job-oriented and someone who is career-oriented?” I didn't. So he gave me an example. Imagine two employees who are running late for work. The first says, “The traffic was terrible this morning.” The second says, “I heard on the radio that Fifth Avenue would be blocked, so I took another route.” Both may be hardworking employees. Both may have legitimate reasons for being late. But the consultant wanted me to notice something else. One reacted to what happened. The other thought about what might happen. That distinction stayed with me. And then I began wondering: Does the same thing happen in our relationships? We often wait for things to happen before we respond. Think about the people in your life. The friend you haven't spoken to in months. You think about calling them. Then you wonder why they haven't called you. A few weeks pass. Neither of you has fallen out. Neither has stopped caring. Life has simply filled the space between you. What if one of you had made the first move? The partner who seems unusually quiet. You notice that something feels different. You could wait for them to tell you what's wrong. Perhaps they will. Or perhaps they are waiting for you to notice that something is wrong. Sometimes, the distance between two people grows not because either person wants it to, but because both are waiting for the other to begin. The colleague who helped you when you were struggling. You remember how they stayed back to help you finish that difficult assignment. You meant to thank them properly. You thought you would find the right moment. Months later, you still haven't said what their help meant to you. The opportunity didn't disappear. It simply never became a priority. The small misunderstanding that becomes a big one. You said something. The other person took it differently than you intended. You assume they will get over it. They assume you don't care enough to clear things up. Neither of you wants a disagreement. Yet neither makes the first move toward resolving it. Sometimes, what keeps a misunderstanding alive is not what was said, but everything that remains unsaid afterward. What if proactivity is really about paying attention? The HR consultant was talking about careers. But his observation led me to think about something much more personal. In relationships, we often measure our efforts by how we respond to what others do. They call, so we call back. They remember our birthday, so we remember theirs. They apologize, so we forgive. They make an effort, so we make one too. There is nothing wrong with reciprocity. Relationships need it. But there is another side to this connection. The birthday message sent before someone has to remind you. An action like this does not require a grand gesture. It requires noticing something and deciding that it matters. I guess that is where being proactive begins. Not in doing more. Not in being the person who always gives in. Not in taking responsibility for every relationship on your own. But in recognizing small opportunities for connection that might otherwise go unnoticed. We cannot control how another person responds to us. We cannot guarantee that our calls will be returned, our kindness reciprocated, or our efforts understood. Being proactive simply means being conscious of the part we play in our relationships. Think of one relationship that matters to you. Are you waiting for the other person to make the next move, or is there a small step you can proactively take? Until tomorrow, Bob
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