Oops. I made a mistake. Again?
“This is the last time I'm doing this!” Have you ever said that to yourself? Perhaps after losing your temper, making an unnecessary purchase, ignoring someone's feelings, procrastinating on something important or getting into the same argument with someone you love. And then, strangely enough, you find yourself doing it all over again. Why? Is it because we don't learn? Because we lack self-control? Or is there something rather interesting about the way the human mind works? There is a fascinating contradiction in human behaviour. Knowing something intellectually and changing an established behaviour are two very different things. Our minds develop familiar patterns. Some are useful, others less so. When a particular situation triggers an emotion, we often react in a familiar way without consciously deciding to do so. Someone criticises you. You know you should remain calm, but your immediate reaction is to defend yourself. You have an important task. You know postponing it will create more pressure, but watching another episode feels easier. The mistake often offers an immediate emotional reward, even when we know it will create a bigger problem later. Winning an argument feels satisfying for a moment. Avoiding an uncomfortable conversation brings temporary relief. Saying exactly what we feel can provide instant release. Our minds are sometimes more attracted to immediate comfort than to the consequences waiting around the corner. You have promised yourself that you will never lose your temper with your partner again. Things are peaceful for a few days. Then comes a disagreement about something quite ordinary: household expenses, an unanswered phone call or who forgot to do something. Suddenly, the same accusations return. You are no longer discussing today's problem. You are discussing three arguments from last month! Afterwards, both of you regret what happened. Neither person necessarily wanted another argument. Yet both ended up repeating the same pattern. You decide that you will stop taking on responsibilities simply because you don't want to disappoint people. Yet when someone asks for another favour, you agree. You know you are already stretched. But the discomfort of saying no seems greater than the inconvenience of saying yes. Later, you feel frustrated, sometimes even with the very person you agreed to help. Perhaps it may be important to note that the repeated mistakes may not be about a lack of knowledge alone but, possibly, about a familiar emotional response taking over. Perhaps the answer isn't another grand promise to ourselves. Maybe it begins with understanding what happens just before we repeat the mistake. Most repeated behaviours have a familiar beginning. Is it a particular person, a stressful afternoon, a feeling of being ignored, boredom or the fear of disappointing someone? Recognising the trigger can, sometimes, be very revealing. Does losing your temper make you feel heard? Does postponing a difficult task help you escape anxiety? Sometimes the behaviour continues because it is serving an emotional purpose, even if the consequences are unpleasant. Perhaps we can be rewarded, if we examine it, by this style of thinking. A difficult message arrives. You immediately want to respond. A disagreement begins. You want to have the last word. What if, on some occasions, you simply allowed yourself a little time before reacting? There is a difference between saying, "I made the same mistake again" and saying, "I am beginning to understand why I keep doing this." The first can leave us feeling defeated. The second opens a door to curiosity. And curiosity can sometimes reveal things about ourselves that guilt never does. We are creatures of habit, emotion and memory. Every time we recognise an old reaction, we become a little more aware of ourselves. And that awareness can make a difference not only to our own lives, but also to the people who experience us every day. After all, how many unnecessary arguments, disappointments and misunderstandings might be avoided if we understood our own reactions a little better? What is one mistake you have repeatedly promised yourself you would never make again, and what do you think keeps drawing you back to it? I'd love to hear your thoughts. Until tomorrow, Bob
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